Let me tell you about my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week.  First, I was going on three weeks of work without AC ... in south Mississippi ... in June!  Our Dean decided we could work half days from home and half days in the office.  Whoohoo, looking up!  On the first half day, I stopped by a store I frequent to browse any new merchandise.  Suddenly I felt weak, and my upper back, neck, and shoulder were in some not so nice pain.  I dropped anything I had been looking at and rushed home to take some medicine thinking it was somehow connected to monthly things.  A few minutes later I started getting chills.  I took my temperature and at that point it was 99.1º.  Over the next couple of hours it climbed to 103.4º after taking Ibuprofen and Tylenol.  I had major chills, was shivering, still in pain, headache, and super fatigued.  Ensue freak out #1.  Just when I was about to go to the ER, my fever broke.  I felt completely normal and fine until noon the next day, Friday.  It came back with a vengeance!  Fever got to 104º, shivering so bad I couldn't hold my phone to call a doctor, lips and fingers turned blue, AND the worst ... throwing up (ew!).  Ensue freak out #2.  Went to the doctor, had to wait for over an hour, was there for almost three hours, paid $233 (ensue freak out #3), had to take my first day off from work at my new job, and the doctor couldn't tell me what was wrong. They gave me a shot and put me on an antibiotic, but never had a stitch of another symptom!  I was fine all weekend and the next week with just some minor fatigue.  Monday I was pulling into my driveway from visiting a friend, and my gear shift wouldn't move.  I turned off my car, and then my gear shift still wouldn't move, and my car wouldn't crank because it wouldn't go into park.  AHHH! Ensue freak out #4.  My friends came over and fixed it that night – minor fix!  On Wednesday my phone died.  Like, completely dead and wouldn't come on.  Ensue freak out #5.  Went to the Apple Store even though the web said they didn't have an appointment until the weekend.  I was sure I was going to have to fork out way too much money to replace an overpriced phone OR go without a phone (like I could do that) and buy a real alarm clock (the horror)!  The logic board had died, and it wasn't my fault, so I got a brand new phone for free!

So clearly, it could have been a lot worse.  And clearly, the point of the post is not to complain about my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week.  What I wanted to emphasize by retelling you the story about my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week (besides saying that as many times as possible) was how many times I freaked out {worst case scenario style} each time.  I knew God was trying to teach me something or reinforce something He was already teaching me.  It finally hit me like a ton of bricks!

I grew up in the text book version of a dysfunctional family.  As a classic text book adult child of a dysfunctional family, I struggle with "waiting for the other shoe to drop" syndrome.  My childhood was utter chaos and a lot more bad happened than good.  But God took care of me!  I've been to counseling, and I know the thought patterns I struggle with and how to fix them.  I truly do feel healed from the damage.  I say that to say, it's my responsibility and no one else's to trust and rely on the Holy Spirit to help me believe, remember, and live in the truth that God is good!  God reminds me over and over and over again that though bad things happen, HE IS GOOD!  It's a lesson I can't seem to cling to.

Earlier in the year my church went through a sermon series called The Change Project that made me painfully aware of my struggle to believe and remember that God is good.  The inspiration for the series was Tim Chester's Book, "You Can Change," which we were challenged to read.  The book suggests that our sins and struggles are connected to our inability to believe fundamental truths and promises about God.  The fundamental truths and promises are that: 1. God is good.  2. God is great.  3. God is gracious.  4. God is glorious. When we struggle to believe God is good and that we don't have to look anywhere else for satisfaction, our idol can become comfort and our struggles comfort-related.  When we struggle to believe God is great and that we don't have to be in control, our idol can become control and our struggles control-related.  When we struggle to believe that God is gracious and that we don't have to perform, our idol can become power and our struggles power-related.  When we struggle to believe God is glorious and that we don't have to fear others, our idol can become approval and our struggles approval-related. 

My terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week was a constant reminder that God is good.  The lyrics of a song call "Shepherd" by Bethel music and my inability to get them right solidified this lesson God was trying to teach and reteach and reteach me.  A line in the song says, "You will lift my head above the mighty waves.  You are able to keep me from stumbling."  Without fail every time I tried to sing along in my car, I said suffering instead of stumbling.  The Bible never promises we won't suffer.  In fact, it says we will.  Bad happens because we live in a fallen, broken world.  But God redeems it! 

What the Bible does say is that God will use the bad, broken, and suffering for good.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

What the Bible does say is that God CAN keep us from stumbling. 

"Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy." Jude 1:24

"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." 1 Corinthians 10:13

Regardless of the truths you struggle to believe about God, they are still TRUE!  And the Holy Spirit can help us in our journey to cling to truth rather than unbelief.  I will celebrate the small victory of my response time, remembering that God is good, was quicker on the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week than previous years of my life.  BUT I hope I keep relying on the Holy Spirit to change this struggle in me so that I don't always go back to unbelief.  I pray you join me on this journey and that we let truth win! 

Let's make our own rules, 
Kasia

A few of you probably know that I used to have a blog.  A blog that I posted on quite frequently.  A blog that had a readership, not a large one, but people who followed and commented and got antsy when I went too long between posts.  Some of them were locals who knew me, some were cyber “friends” and then of course, there were family members who could keep up with our particular brand of crazy from a safe distance.  My blog wasn't cutting-edge or political or controversial; it was just about life and marriage and kids – my take on it all.  I enjoyed writing, and it was always fun when someone liked a story or when they could relate to what you'd said.  It was also a way to process things that happened, like when our house was struck by lightning, or a way to slow down and document the seemingly insignificant things, which are all too easily forgotten in the midst of our busy lives.  And let’s be honest – sometimes writing was cheaper than therapy, like when the littles found and then dumped a brand-new container of baby powder all over their sister’s room … once the cloud cleared, we discovered from their toddler gibberish and gyrations on the floor that they were making “snow angels.”  Oy.  If I recall, my eye ceased twitching after about the third day, but the powdery, fresh smell lingered on.  

I shared all that to say that somewhere along the way I think I lost my voice.  Not in the literal sense, as in I needed warm tea with honey and lemon because I couldn't speak, but my voice – the expressive part of me that shared life’s experiences through words.  It just slipped away.  But it didn't happen all at once; it was gradual, by degrees.  And the longer I was silent, the easier it was not to speak.  It’s not that I didn't have anything to say.  Something funny/interesting/noteworthy would happen, and I’d think – THAT is blog worthy, but when I’d sit down to write, the words wouldn't come.  And if they did I would edit myself back down to a blank screen, rendering myself mute.  During this time, even though I was not posting and only wrote occasionally (normally when a deadline that I couldn't escape loomed over me) I would tell myself how no one was really affected by my silence.  Life went on, as it is prone to do, but there was an uneasiness, a discontent, that seemed to hover.

The little boys took swimming lessons last month, and as it turns out, I learned something too.  On day one, he taught them to “Superman” by putting their face in the water, streamlining their arms and using only their legs to propel them.  Next he taught them to reach and pull with their arms, in addition to kicking their legs, to freestyle.  Then he taught them to float.  To lie on their backs, relaxed, and just float.  They were pretty proud of themselves and couldn't wait to go back.  On day two, he had them jumping off the blocks into the deep end (9 feet) and swimming about one fourth the length of the pool to a “noodle” that he held out for them to grab.  Over and over they jumped and swam, while he increased the distance to the noodle slightly each time until they were swimming almost half the length.  But the next time they jumped, he said, “This time, don’t swim.  I want you to tread water.”  He got in the pool with them and showed them how to move their arms and legs just enough to keep their head above water.  The next few minutes were spent jumping in, treading water, then swimming to the ladder and climbing out.    At the end of the lesson, he sat beside them on the edge of the deep end of the pool and told them, “Today I taught you to tread water because it can save your life if you fall into a body of water.”  One of the boys told him, “That made me feel tired!”  But it was what the coach said next that struck me:  “That’s right.  You can only tread water for a short time before you become too tired and begin to sink.  But that’s why I taught you to float.  When you get too tired, just relax and breathe and float until you can tread water again or swim to safety.”  Upon hearing his words, I quietly closed my book, and felt the sting of tears begin to well up because I realized that’s exactly what I had been doing – not treading water, but treading life.  Treading through the day to day, through relationships, through loads of laundry and sinks of dishes, through parenting challenges, through responsibilities and expectations, through surgeries and life changes, through feelings of guilt and inadequacy, through preparing for a child to leave the nest … and the list goes on.  Treading life.  And it’s exhausting.  That feeling of inertia, feeling stuck, because you know you should be moving forward but you aren't, either because you can’t, or because you don't know how?  Painful.  

But God never intended for us to live life like that, struggling to keep our head above water.  I love how The Message reads in Matthew 11:28-30:

“Are you tired?  Worn out?  Burned out on religion?  Come to me.  Get away with me and you'll recover your life.  I'll show you how to take a real rest.  Walk with me and work with me – watch how I do it.  Learn the unforced rhythms of grace.  I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you.  Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”


And because God is full of grace and mercy for His children and uses the people in our lives to bless us, one of my very best friends, Stefaney, invited me to do a summer Bible study with her.  You’ll never in a bazillion years guess the title!!!

“STUCK: the places we get stuck and the God who sets us free.”  I know!!!  I’m sitting here in tears all over again thinking about how much God loves us and wants to free us, for our own good but ultimately for His glory!  And I’m speechless … but this time in a good way.  :)

So I promised when I introduced myself to you in my “meet the blogger” post that we’d be keeping it real here.  I’m not sure you were ready for all this real-ness, but here it is.  And while I am trying to once again find my voice, and to stop treading, please don't be offended if I ask for some warm tea with honey and lemon or for you to throw me a noodle occasionally.  This life thing is hard, but God is good.

Keep it real,
BV

I just finished going through a study of Ruth with the She Reads Truth community.  I've gone through the book of Ruth probably more times than any other book in the Bible and I NEVER get tired of it.  It's a story that captivates my Taylor Swift kindred spirit-ness more than any other.  It's a sit on the edge of your seat kind of love story, totally worthy of some catchy Taylor Swift tune, but it's so so much more!  There are so many lessons to be learned from Ruth about so many things: grief, spiritual mothers, healing, God's plan, and more.  But the thing that overwhelmed me this time about this wonderful little book in the Bible, is that Ruth's love story is MY love story.  Ruth's love story is YOUR love story.  Ruth's love story is OUR love story whether we have earthly romantic love or not. 

She Reads Truth said the following about Ruth: 

"God used our Ruth.  He gives us a glimpse of what a Redeemer looks like, both loving and just, through Boaz.  He has redeemed you like Boaz redeemed Ruth.  Their love story is our love story.  And in the most public way possible, He redeemed us once and for all, a people for His own possession.  Sisters, go forward today like Ruth!  Loved so genuinely and so incredibly by the One Who redeemed you to be His.  You are loved.  And you are His." 

I'm in a strange season where my life kinda sorta feels like a Taylor Swift song some days (with butterflies, smiles, and the fun and frustrating kind of confusion).  However, whether this mystery thing in my life becomes something or doesn't, whether it's fleeting or will last, it doesn't and can't compare with the way God's love for me, for you, for us, overwhelms me!  As a single woman, I dream about a Ruth and Boaz romance.  It overwhelms me to hope (I want to say know, but hope is as good as knowing) that God would send a man into my life who would redeem me.  Who would love me in spite of any past mistakes I've made and any future mistakes I will make.  Who would love me, my flaws, my quirks, and all.  A man who would redeem the broken family I was born into by becoming my family and creating our own family.  That kind of earthly love is a dream I hope I do have one day.  But that love is also something we all already have. 

After finishing up Ruth, completely overwhelmed by how Boaz loved her, how God loved Ruth by providing for her, and how God loves us by making this story our story in that He sent the ultimate Redeemer to redeem us forever, I was driving to work and this song by Bethel Music called "We Dance" came up on my playlist.  The lyrics read: 

"You steady me.  Slow and sweet, we sway.  Take the lead and I will follow.  Finally ready now, to close my eyes and just believe that You won’t lead me where You don’t go.

When my faith gets tired and my hope seems lost, You spin me round and round and remind me of that song, the one You wrote for me.  And we dance!

And I’ve been told to pick up my sword and fight for love.  Little did I know that Love had won for me.  Here in Your arms You still my heart again.  And I breathe You in like I’ve never breathed ‘til now.

And I will lock eyes with the One who’s ransomed me.  The One who gave me joy for mourning.  Oh, I will lock eyes with the One who’s chosen me.  The one who set my feet to dancing. 

We dance.  Just You and me.  It's nice to know I'm not alone.  I've found my home here in Your arms."


Thinking about that song with the hope of hoping God will send an earthly man to me to love me that way, with the power of the Holy Spirit, as Jesus loves the church, brought me to tears.  But then, thinking about my Savior and how He already, has always, and will always love me that way brought on full force weeping aka ugly crying. I pray today wherever you are and however loved you feel on earth, that you will understand and embrace God's love for you. 

Let's make our own rules, 
Kasia